Say something about gay babies.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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