Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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