her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize