Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
