wakey wakey hands off snakey
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
