My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
