So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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