I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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