Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
