He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
