There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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