i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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