my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
