I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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