Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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