he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
