I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
