Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize