Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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