apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
