Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
