that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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