He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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