I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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