so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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