This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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