somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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