I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
