i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
