Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
