I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
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