the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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