I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
