Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
