not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
