Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
