He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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