i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
