Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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