I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
