there's paper in my vomit.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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