It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
