Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize