walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
