Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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