i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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