Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
