So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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