Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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