remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
