Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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