I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
