First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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