dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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