So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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