I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
