Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
