The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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