going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
