whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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